Go Easy On Me

“Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain” (1 Corinthians 15:58).

The sun was shining brightly upon me as I drove on the newly reconstructed 44 into Tulsa, OK. I’ve driven this path over and over. It used to be my welcoming home from a short visit or longer road trip. The emotions were once of peace and familiarity that I was back where I safely laid my head down at night. 

As my drive continued upward over the hill, Adele’s Easy on Me came blaring through the Odyssey’s speakers. It caught me off guard, because I didn’t think this song could relate to my journey. Though I had awakened to a swollen shut left eye earlier that morning, I didn’t have a loss of love. 

I found myself asking Satan to go easy on me, because he’s ran havoc for years entwining chaos, loss, death, failures, identity crisis, guilt, negatives, disruption, distractions, discontentment, mishaps, worthiness, and more. My eye swollen shut was a big deal since I was finally heading to Tulsa to do a much anticipated author connection.

At one point, I thought I should just give up and cancel. Perhaps all the things that hadn’t worked out to this point in trying to make an event happen there since February must be a sign that it’s not meant to be. I should really give up. This didn’t look like how I thought it should. It didn’t feel like life giving, but more frustrations and negativity. Furthermore, it didn’t feel like I should keep fighting. All the things were pointing to stopping and not continuing. 

But God, He gave me a secular song to remind me to not give up. When you are choosing the right things and find adversity knocking at the door or trying to take you out, keep trusting God and fighting through it all. The song was for me to go easy on myself.

I can’t have the world on my shoulders. I’m not God! There are moments where I’m drowning and still try to take on more. It’s not my job to take on those things. My purpose is to keep moving forward, trusting God to guide, direct, and protect me. I’m a vessel for Him, not meant to do it all by myself!

I’m broken, yet healed. I’m not perfect, but renewed daily. I’m nothing but everything in Him. I’m dim, but His light is bright. I’m ineligible, but He made me worthy. I fail, but His love succeeds and surpasses all! I’m not for everyone, but He loves me unconditionally. I get in my way, but His grace and mercy sets me free. I get distracted, but He refocuses me. I’ve lost, but He’s made good in all things. I get discontent, but He helps me see the bigger picture. I get lonely, but He reminds me that He never leaves me.

Unfortunately, I haven’t stopped much or slowed down since Lilian Grace died or my brain surgery succeeded. I’ve been afraid that the water would consume me and finish me off if I stopped too long. Praise to God for not letting me drown while keeping me from losing my mind. It’s time for me to go easy on myself. 

I need to keep making room for God-moments. I’m finding that when I let go of my expectations and control; God has His space and time that’s needed to unravel His marvelous plan. If I keep holding on to what I think it should be, then I miss the fullness and richness that He has in store for us all!

I’m going to do my best to go easier on myself. I choose God’s way and plan. It’s time to be over myself getting in the way. I’m done letting fear numb me. Here I stand once again, ready, willing, and able! God, keep being You! Life with You leading is the most rewarding!

The next day, I was able to give back to my running family by volunteering at the Backyard Bonanza. My heart filled more by listening to God and just being. I got to see many of my running family and spend some time with them. We even got to be like kids and race down a tunnel slide that was life-giving. Be in a place where you can hear God’s direction and don’t complicate it. There’s magic and beauty in His moments waiting for us to experience.