I have had several plans to get back into the swing of things with multiple to-do lists and intentions, but it seems one battle after another kept me distracted and exhausted. The spiritual attacks are felt on a weekly basis. My battles have been a horrible bout with the stomach bug before Christmas, COVID-19 for three out four of us in the house for January, and a snow storm this past week. It’s been a crazy season where I feel like the kitchen sink got thrown at me.
When the snow hit and school was out, I thought I’d get my act together to start posting several long awaited posts I started back in November and December 2021. It was a great plan, but life doesn’t give us a break. Time continues to fly while the abundant distractions keep flowing and interrupting.
My heart and soul have been heavier as the days and trials build. During COVID-19, the unknown was worse than the actual symptoms. I’ve seen others grieving loved ones who died with post-COVID problems. It affects everyone on a different level. Plus, I’ve had six doctors deny me to get the vaccine. I’ve got too many allergies and unknowns for my health to get the shot. I couldn’t clean, disinfect, or reorganize enough to distract my spirit. My family may or may not have had an overexposure to Lysol fumes.
I wanted to do everything and anything I could. My Uncle Mark said he would have swung a dead cat around his head at midnight if it would cure it. I agreed and shared that story with many. When I lost my smell and taste, I didn’t realize how detrimental losing those would impact my mental health. Through prayers, vitamins, essential oils, medicine, exercises, smell/iv therapies, self-care, and more helped us get to the other side of it. I held on to the post-COVID complications to try to be ready to attack back, so I wouldn’t lose any of us. My nerves were shot after we battled, but I thank God we went through it and got to the other side.
I recently was reminded about lamentations in one of my recent bible studies. Lament is about letting everything out and trusting God even if it goes a different way. It’s about surrendering the deepest parts of oneself and knowing He will never leave us. I have two moments of lamenting that have been huge in my journey just in a week’s time.
I poured it all out to God even when I didn’t know just how bitter, scared, or frustrated I felt. Words sometimes left me, but I was still before God. Through the tears, I asked Him to take what weighs me down and make good of it all. I was very specific in my requests as I yelled, screamed, and cried out over and over. No matter what, I believe He is good and gracious in being raw and real. He longs for us to have a deeper relationship with Him.
When I am at my weakest in full brokenness and fear, He is near to me. I cried out and He heard my cries. I wish I could take the expected and unexpected sorrow from each of us, but I know that is not possible. With a missing child who came home to his family and now a brain injury for another without knowing where that journey will take many is fresh on my heart again. What’s possible is trusting Him that even if He doesn’t change the circumstances or feelings that He has perfect intentions in making it good in His timing.
Lilian Grace dying was not the outcome anyone wanted, but what God has done from her short-lived life has been impactful and joyful. Though I will always wish she could have been here, healed on this side of heaven, I know the reach God has done through her journey and impact. I have joy knowing that God’s light shines bright through our journey with her and beyond.
Are your burdens heavy? Do tears stream down daily? Does it feel like you are in a nightmare? Be in lamentations with God. Let it all out no matter the attitude, questions, or time. Be still before Him after you get everything out while trusting Him to bring you to the other side of what you are battling currently. Even if the journey doesn’t turn out how you wanted it to turn out, I promise you God will make it good. It won’t feel good at times, but the bigger picture will reveal why it was necessary for the ending.
As I typed today’s entry, I listened to the song, Lament, sung by Seacoast Worship (studio version). The piano was like a mental massage as the words grabbed my spirit giving me a much-needed embrace. God is always good. I believe He knows what we need and where we are going on the journey. The unknown makes sense in time. Draw close to Him and pour out your spirit. Once you do, leave it with Him. He’s omnipotent and able to heal the brokenhearted.
I wrote this earlier and needed to do one last edit before posting tonight. I am praising God through my lit up spirit. God already is answering prayers from earlier during my lamentation today for a family that is near and dear to me. The future is still unknown, but there are a couple of huge positives. This doesn’t surprise, because God is who He says He is every day! I give Him all the glory and praise. I’m proof He is here. The prayers He has answered are another reason to speak up and be heard. He’s listening, but we have to be willing to do the same.